How to Effectively Take Your Power Back

The best thing you can ever be is yourself.

Communication has been what’s been catching me off guard lately. I was raised in an era of “Do what you are told.” When I say, " Jump," you say, “How high?”

This doesn’t work with today’s teens, who are regularly encouraged to challenge authority and stand their ground. I don’t disagree with them. It’s just that sometimes my upbringing beliefs clash with my new reality.

This got me to wonder, how do I assert my authority without losing my power?

Then it started leaking into other areas of my life. I have found that being one-up or making myself small both feel awful. For clarification, one-upping includes judging, being condescending, talking down to someone, name-calling, acting superior, talking back, being disrespectful, yelling, threatening, and being violent.  Making yourself small includes "just taking it", making excuses for bad behavior (including your own), twisting yourself into a pretzel to please everyone, over-giving (your time, energy, and gift giving), and self-flagellation.  

We tend to pick being one-up or being small based on our feelings of powerlessness and our perceived status relative to the other person, such as a boss is more likely to pick one up than their subordinate, or a male over a female.

A few years ago, I decided to call people out when they were disrespectful by saying things like, “That hurt”, “That’s disrespectful,” or “That was mean.” While that was better than saying nothing, lecturing on why that’s bad, or raising my voice, it didn’t have the effect that I wanted it to.

Oftentimes, people who say or do mean things are looking for a reaction. While my rehearsed reply felt toned down, it still gave them the charge they were looking for, and I still didn’t feel heard.  

I’ve been watching stories on Stocism over the years.  The stories helped me realize what I needed to do differently:

One, I needed to show some grace. After all, people who are hurting also hurt others (hurt people, hurt people). Sometimes, things just come out wrong, or people are unaware of how they are coming across to others. Shaming is how I was raised, and yet that only makes the situation worse.

Two: I needed to stay in my center to stay calm.

Third, and lastly, I also wanted to make clear what behavior was acceptable and what wasn’t. I wanted to bring their actions and the effects of those actions to their attention with kindness and humility.

Here’s what I figured out.

When someone says something rude or disrespectful, you can ask them to repeat it. I’ve never had someone repeat what they said again!

The other thing I can do is to ask them the question, basically mirroring it to them. For example, “Did you mean to be rude/condescending/short/or be hurtful?” This is similar to what I have been doing by calling them out, but this variation of asking the question shows them some grace. Maybe they weren’t trying to be rude or disrespectful.  Maybe they were simply having a bad day and didn’t realize that their own tiredness, anger, or frustration was leaking out. Maybe they have an old belief that needs to be reexamined (such as beliefs about men, women, different races or nationalities, class, or about the size of people’s bodies).

Oftentimes, when I use these techniques, I find that people will either apologize or backtrack. Oh, what I mean to say was….

The best way to know if you are in your power is if people generally treat you with respect.

You are respectful yet stating your boundaries. “Please don’t do X again.”

Or “I would appreciate it if you would do Y next time.”

Other indicators of you conducting your life from a place of power are that you regularly and honestly notice good things in people, and you regularly choose to compliment them by bringing these qualities to their attention, and expressing your appreciation of their qualities (or choices, or good taste, etc.) Because you are in your power, it's easier to show gratitude to others.

Another indicator that you are living and communicating from a place of power: You apologize when you make a mistake, and own it. You kindly speak your truth, using "I" statements.

When you are in your power, you don't have to explain yourself.  No, is a complete sentence.  

Other things you can say are:

“I have other plans.”

“Thanks for the gift, but I won’t be able to accept this.”

“I love that you offered, but I’m going to decline.”

“I have to say no this time, but may I have a raincheck?”

When people ask you if you are okay, and you respond with “Fine” when you aren’t fine, you are making yourself small by lying to them.  Then, if they find out that you weren’t ok, they feel lied to or betrayed.  

Instead, say:

“Thanks for noticing. Can we talk about this later?”

“I’m struggling now, but I’m not in a space to talk about it yet.”

“I will be, but now I want to focus on….”

And one that includes a subtle compliment, “I love how observant you are. Thanks for asking.”

In this same vein, when you want someone to change little or low-stakes behaviors, try to catch them doing good! And limit your criticizing.

I was dating a guy who had a moustache, and I thought he would look amazing with a beard. On the days that he didn’t shave, I always touched his face, looked him in the eyes, and told him how sexy he looked with facial hair, how much I loved the way he looked, or how soft it was. I never asked him to grow a beard; he did that on his own.

When people do something nice for you, thank them. Kids and partners don’t always do things the way YOU want them done. (Loading the dishwasher, folding laundry, putting things away, mowing the lawn) There usually isn’t a right way and a wrong way to do things; mostly, it’s just our personal preferences masquerading as “The Way.”   If you must fix something, walk through the process and explain why. For example, "You can’t put a red shirt in with whites because it turns everything pink.”

I remember when I was in my 20s, my sister and I got into an argument about the best way to fold towels— in 3s or 4s. It turns out that the reason my mom folded the towels in 3 was that the cabinets were narrow and deep, not because that was the “best” way to fold towels. When you are in your power, you remember that their kindness is what matters, and you thank them for it, not criticizing them for not doing it “right.” And most importantly, please don’t go back in later to fix it! That just feels awful to the person who was trying to help and discourages them from wanting to help later.

If something like leaving things out or dirty socks on the floor is an issue.  Instead of yelling, criticizing, or nagging, you speak your truth about what their behavior is telling you. "When you leave dirty dishes around the house, I feel disrespected, and the message it tells me is that I’m your maid."  Later, when they actually follow up with chicane behaviors, make a big deal out of it! Express your appreciation, "I love that you picked up [your items] this week. Thank you so much for that!  I love how clean your room is!"

If people keep violating your boundaries, then it’s time to look at what messages we are actually sending.  If we are wishy-washy, the bad behaviors will continue because they don’t believe our words.  When we stay in our power, either they stop their bad behaviors, or we simply need to reevaluate the relationship.  One of my old boyfriends told me, "You're only with him because he's nice to you."  I smiled and said, "Yeah, that's a big part of it."  

I’ve been working on taking my power back for a long time. Over the years, I have had to let many relationships go because they no longer served me and my growth, or felt like a one-way relationship, rather than a reciprocal friendship.

I’ve been surprised by who accepted my new boundaries and who didn’t. I’ve also found that when I speak the truth, honestly and kindly, that relationships become so much richer, deeper, and more loving. And isn’t that what we all want?

Anyone can do these things on their own, but sometimes we enjoy practicing with others like us.

Where you can find me:

Classes at Aims:

Clairs 2 | Sept 09-Oct 14, Wednesdays | 6-8 pm |Greeley

And introducing:

Demystifying the Spirit World | September 26 and October 03, 2026, Saturdays | 9-11 am | Loveland.

Fairs:

Body Mind Spirit Celebration Raleigh August 15-16, 2026 Saturday 10-7, Sunday 10-6. NC State Fairgrounds, Exposition Center, 4285 Trinity Rd, Raleigh, NC 27607 Booth #11

**BMSE North Denver/Brighton. August 28-30 Friday 1- 9, Saturday 10-7, Sunday 10-6. Adams County Fairgrounds-Exhibit Hall is 9755 Henderson Rd, Brighton, CO 80601 Booth #30  **Replaces the fall show at the National Western Complex due to remodeling.

Belu Olissa Fair 44th Annual Fall Holistic Fair October 10 & 11, 2026  10 am – 5 pm (both days). The Ranch Fairgrounds, South Hall, Loveland, CO

BMSE Fair- Chaicagoland/Schaumburg, IL October 24-25, 2026  Saturday, 10 - 7 pm, Sunday, 10 - 6 pm.  Schaumburg Renaissance Convention Center, Exploration Hall, 1551 N Thoreau Dr, Schaumburg, IL 60173 Booth #12

A Holistic Holiday & Magical Maker’s Faire at Arapahoe County Fairgrounds 25690 E. Quincy Ave. Aurora, CO 80016 November 7-8, 2026. Saturday 10 - 5, Sunday 10 - 4.

Until next time,

Leanne Psychic Medium